Adventures in Glampires…. The UnVampire.

NaBloPoMo Day 2.

Earlier today i sent out a tweet. What should i blog about? Zelda, glampires or one of the other random topics i have in my head. Now the funny thing is. i wrote 3 different blog posts. This one included. and it was really only a matter of which one would i post first.

So i’ve found that when im not at my computer occupied with the wonders that the internet brings to me one tweet or url at a time. i spend my time playing video games or watching television.  Now last night while i was watching “Hells Kitchen” i saw a movie preview that made me gag a bit and angered me beyond all belief. It also made me realize that Hollywood is evil and as an author you can do whatever you want apparently. Whether it be an orgy between random literary characters or have an adult book about the life of tap dancing gummy bears.

If i were to meet Ms. Meyers(author of said shitty books.) i would have a gazillion questions. All something along the lines of testing vampire knowledge. Because im pretty sure shes never heard of vampires before. At least from the Cliff notes thats the impression i got.

Lets see what has to say about vampires shall we:



a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.

(in Eastern European folklore) a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.

a person who preys ruthlessly upon others; extortionist.

a woman who unscrupulously exploits, ruins, or degrades the men she seduces.

an actress noted for her roles as an unscrupulous seductress: the vampires of the silent movies.
Now all the definitions have something to do with using people in one way or another.  Let me supplement this by what the fantasy world has to say about vampires.
“A vampire can be of any evil alignment, and if its alignment was not evil in life it becomes so in undeath. A vampire retains all the abilities it had in life, plus it gains the ability to drain blood and life energy, and to dominate other creatures with its gaze. A vampire can also command rats, bats, and wolves, or take the form of those creatures.”
that can be seen right here.
With that said, lets see what Ms. Meyers makes her vampires do….


Main article: Twilight (novel)

Bella Swan moves from Phoenix, Arizona to live with her father in Forks, Washington to allow her mother to travel with her new husband, a minor league baseball player. After moving to Forks, Bella finds herself involuntarily drawn to a mysterious, handsome boy, Edward Cullen. She eventually learns that he is a member of a vampire family who drinks animal blood rather than human. Edward and Bella fall in love, but James, a sadistic vampire from another vampire coven, is drawn to hunt down Bella. Edward and the other Cullens defend Bella. She escapes to Phoenix, Arizona, where she is tricked into confronting James, who tries to kill her. She is seriously wounded, but Edward rescues her and they return to Forks, having killed James.”

Please see the bolded statement.  Now, lets recap. Eddie boy is a vampire. a shiny one at that. Vampires are evil. Vampire by definition torment and devour humans. Therefore chickypoo meyers is all about making vampires kid friendly mother approved. Nope. sorry chick! Doesnt work like that.

As far as the whole vampire/human relationship there’s no lovey dovey bullshit. if a human has a halfling (half vampire/half human) its because she was raped. GASP, oh noes i dropped the hard r word.

Ms. Meyer, your books are crap. Vampires are not shiny. Vampires are not friendly. Vampires are undead blood sucking ravaging creatures. No love. no respect. nothing but pure evil towards the human race.

Chachi Says: Give me Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst anyday.  Screw this shiny battle of Glampires and Shapeshifters. Cant wait for arguments.


2 Responses to “Adventures in Glampires…. The UnVampire.”

  1. I made a deal with my girlfriend that I’d read Eclipse under one condition; she has to read American Psycho. Seems like self torture, but I’m hoping for one of two solutions: 1) She recognizes how sophomoric Meyer’s writing is compared to someone like Bret Easton Ellis or 2) She realizes what may or may not happen to her if she ever puts me through a string of shitty movies again. Bram Stoker’s head is spinning in his grave.

  2. i feel your pain. i read the synopsis and i was angry. theres no way in hell i’d read the whole books. just shows what people will publish.

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